Lots of things to do, as always, and never enough time — or motivation — to do them all in any efficient or speedy way. Ha!

Today I’ve been writing (for real, for the first time in days), finally forcing myself through the climax I’ve been avoiding writing. I doubt I’ll finish what I want to tonight, but getting through a bit makes me feel productive. I keep pushing it off because I’ve come down with a case of the “what ifs” regarding the scene. What if I did this? What if I took the scene in this direction — or that? The forward motion of the plot is stalling because I’m getting hung up on the details. I just need to push forward with the gut and then rewrite if what the gut likes turns out to make no sense. Methinks. Hm. Sounds like a plan, at least, and I certainly need one of those!

My priorities since Saturday have mostly been leaning toward wedding stuff — writing up the ceremony script, deciding on our vows and what we’ll say — and nailing down other details (the florist, the menu). I’m reluctantly annoyed about this stuff taking up my time. I want to be doing other things but I don’t like pushing wedding stuff to the side or off. It’s supposed to be important, right? It is. I just don’t like thinking about it because thinking makes me worry about Murphy’s Law. Where I go, Murphy’s Law follows, it’s a proven fact of my existence. Planning as much out in advance, as painful as it is, is really necessary.

The bridal shower is this Saturday. Part of me is excited, part of me dreads it. A little. I’m never very comfortable in a crowd, and make that crowd a group of women fawning and gushing about the approaching wedding and I think I might pass out a little due to lack of oxygen. (My smile will be plastered on and too-tight, not allowing enough oxygen to get to my brain; I can see it now.) I keep trying to focus on the bright side: everyone there will be there because they care about me. They’re not set on embarrassing me (too much) or making me uncomfortable (unless it’s funny). I hope. Being the first (of our close friends, of our generation/age of cousins) to get married is awkward. We’re doing everything with little personal experience guiding us. I’m always nervous about endeavors like this. But I keep trying to reassure myself that the nervousness is the good kind, the eager-for-the-new-experience kind of nervous. My only bridal shower experience was my cousin’s. I was in high school, bored out of my mind, and I really didn’t care about all of it. Now I’m not much more enthusiastic about the details, but I think my natural curiosity will pull me through it. I want to see how this will all turn out.

I’ve realized that because I’ve been writing so much fiction this last month — the last 6 weeks really — and focusing on the wedding in all of my other time, my blog entries have suffered a bit. I really miss getting all literary or critiquey on this blog! I think I need to write up and schedule a few posts reviewing the books I tore through this past weekend, at the very least. I have a few drafts of essay-ish posts I’ve been writing… I think I need to finish a few of them. I love discussing fantasy. Complaining about how my wedding planning is progressing (or not) should be going on the blog I’m keeping for family and friends for the wedding. Right? Sigh.