I am 21 years old (nearly 22) and I am in love, engaged, and happy. Is that odd? Sometimes I feel like it is; a century ago I was normal, now a days it seems as if it’s either a boon or a curse. Some people believe that I should be free right now to “explore” possibilities; others feel that I am lucky beyond measure. I, however, am not conflicted. I am sure. I am happy.

Being born in the fall but having a school district enrollment cutoff of December 31 was such a boon and a curse to me; I feel both too old for my years and too young for my experience. Bryan is 11 months older than me yet we went through the same school year together so things are somewhat different for him. It’s as if he’s appropriately mature. My whole life I’ve fought against the fact that numerically I seem a little young but realistically I feel age-appropriate.

I was only riffing tonight regarding this in lieu of inviting folks to my 22nd birthday bash this November via Facebook. I felt… well. I felt odd realizing that I am really turning 22 when I feel like I should be… 24? 25? I don’t feel only 22. I know (hell, I already do this) I’ll feel old and want to regain those years of my youth that I spent with abandon. I already have eye wrinkles and three gray hairs (ones I can see anyway) and somehow I feel both too old and young at once. Gah. This makes writing about coming of age fictitiously (in my YA novels) difficult; it complicates matters far beyond what you’d think of them as being. A person “comes of age” you think, when they achieve certain life objectives. Certainly Van Gennep said as much in his book The Rites of Passage. But even so… it’s not as if I haven’t gone through those rites yet — in a way I’m still going through one of them. But I still feel incongruously contradictory. Like… I get, at times, very baby-crazy, then at times feel like I need to be sixteen again, but to do it “right” this time — as socially crazy as television recommends. So… confusing. So contradictory. I said in my college admissions essay I am a contradiction. I wonder if I’ll ever outgrow that.

Ah, melancholia, serenity, and boredom. What you dredge from me.

Also:

Rock of Love: Season Finale. Boo yah, I was right when I called Jes from the first episode. HA! Her innate intelligence caught me off the bat and I have to say I was rooting for her all along. I hope she’s happy.